“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
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Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting