“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
*struts into the new year
~ trips
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.