First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
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Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Auto correct is my worst enema.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
There’s only one good girl here!
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from