The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Note to self: always read the final line
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
This January has 47 Mondays
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever