Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
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No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I’d use my best pan on you.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good