(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
my sentiments exactly
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.