Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
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*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.