There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
🙂🙃🥹
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
*launders Kohls cash*
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge