waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
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My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
The glory of fall.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!