Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Finally!
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
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DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers