Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
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My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes