I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter