Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
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I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Not all heroes wear capes…
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
This story is comedy gold 😂
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”