Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Meow
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
This is my bus stop.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.