7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
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I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.