Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
You Might Also Like
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
tell em, edith-anne
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
live long and prosper!
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises