Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
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I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Attacked by a mop.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.