the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
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When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
i choose….tongue
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part