Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
We’ve all been there…
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
best first i’ve ever seen
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what