Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.