GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
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My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…