hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
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5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
we’re gonna need another temp
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
get you a girl who
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.