Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
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*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I only say stupid things when I talk.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
😜
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.