*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
You Might Also Like
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
It’s the weekend y’all
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.