[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
🛁
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on