Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.