Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
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my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.