Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.