Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
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Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Never be a pizza!
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Classic German Shepherd 😂
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.