After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
You Might Also Like
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
i meant to share this earlier
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰