Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
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*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature