skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
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Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
#Caturday
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
A woman drives into a bar.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.