Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
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The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Pretty certain I can more drunk
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”