I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
You Might Also Like
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Bringing home a sharpie
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”