Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Happy Friday
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I really had high hopes for this year though
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”