[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
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the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.