Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
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7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
War & Peace
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.