Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
You Might Also Like
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.