“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
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What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.