If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
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All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?