HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
You Might Also Like
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?