If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?