My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
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“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
real
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
how do y’all walk in shallow water
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?