Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
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says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.