When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
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My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz