I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.