Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
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Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that sheād become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote āYou were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now sheās a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!ā & now I know why people avoid FB.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying āmomā first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[First date]
Date: so youāre profile said youāre a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My house is cleaner than itās ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it youāll just have to take my word for it
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like āwhat do I do????ā and in my head Iām like oh man, i donāt knowā¦ā¦you should really see a therapist about that
If you donāt wear pants, youāll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
āThe truth has finally been revealedā around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtleās feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldnāt read and had to make bigger.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
her: Iām a cat person
me: Iām more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?