Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
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Cool shirt 🙂
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.