So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
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I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.