if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
You Might Also Like
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Taliband
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.